Relationships can mystify, edify, and frustrate us over and over. Since Valentine’s Day is coming, I thought we could focus on how we communicate in relationships as we send those heart cards to the ones we love.What is in your energy field?
Do you sometimes wonder why your partner or friend treats you like a child? You may find yourself saying to yourself or out loud, “I don’t need another parent!” But, your energy field may be saying otherwise.
Whatever you carry in your energy field is what you will draw to you. If you are drawing, parenting energy, it’s time to see what child energy is hanging around you. Is there a part of you that wants to be taken care of? Is there a hurt child that is drawing in more experiences of hurt? Is there an angry child that wants to defy all rules? Time to take an Energy Check!
If you find any of these energies in your field, you will draw a parent from someone else or from inside of you to care for, discipline, or bully that child. Sure, sometimes we want to be taken care of, but I’m talking about the part of you that may want to sidestep responsibilities and lay blame on others.
As a single woman, I’m tired of fixing what breaks, doing maintenance so it won’t break, and replacing what can’t be fixed. It would be easy to whine about it. If I were operating from a child part of me, I could easily feel overwhelmed. If I stay in that energy, I will either draw to me more things that don’t work or someone who wants to take care of me and probably wants to fix me. Instead of living in that helpless, whining energy, I choose to be the care taker of my child nature and make practical decisions about the day to day projects when they show up. I am clear about what I choose to draw to me.
So take a look at your relationships. What feels good there? What doesn’t? Then, take a long look at what part of your energy is drawing this to you.
If it’s good stuff you are drawing to you, congratulate yourself. You’ve probably been working on cleaning up some old patterns for awhile. If it doesn’t feel good, this is a direct message to you about what needs to be addressed in your energy field. (I’m working on a Computer Learning Module that will help you find those energies and learn how to dissolve them with ease. More about that later.)We can educate each other!
In my counseling of couples, I have noticed that language can really mess with communication. Women can feel that men are treating them like a child, and men can feel like anything they say will be taken wrong. So, let’s take responsibility for how we come across and what we draw in.
Women, pay attention to what men say that hurts your feelings or scares you. First, find out what child energy in you is running the show that is drawing these words to you. Then, talk to your partner or friend and explain how you experience that language. Suggest a different way of saying it.
For example: Bill and Jan are shopping. Jan has a basketful she wants to buy. Bill is calculating the cost in his head as he sees Jan fill the basket. He knows this will break the budget. Bill says, “We can’t buy all of this stuff. You need to pick out two things and put the rest back.”
Jan bristles. How dare him tell her what she has to do! Bill’s words activate the little kid in Jan who knows what she wants and wants it now.
Jan could deal with the little kid in her that wants what she wants when she wants it or feels it is always deprived. Bill could change how he looks at Jan and from an adult mode say, “Jan, I’m sure everything you have in the basket is important to you. However, it will blow our budget. We have $50 left this month to spend on these kinds of items. If we were to stay within that budget, what items could we do without for now so that we could work them into our budget later?” Bingo! Bill just activated the adult in Jan. He included her in the decision making process. She is less likely to fall into a child part of her.
From what I have seen, many men don’t easily see that the way something is said triggers a response they don’t want. So women, you need to help him. Let him know that being told to put something back activates a resentful part of you. Ask him to include you in on the budget so that you can make decisions together about what to spend.
Men, pay attention to what is happening to her. When you feel her bristle, stop right there. Say, “I can see that what I just said upset you. Can you please tell me about that?” Women, pull back that bratty child that wants to yell at him. Recognize that he is taking the situation seriously and wants to make it right. Take responsibility for the part of you that has reacted so strongly. Give him some helpful feedback without yelling or blaming.
On the other hand, it is not always the woman who sinks into hurt child. Men can go there as well. We all have inner woundedness we are healing. All of this can be applied to any relationship. Assuming you are in the relationship because you care about each other, start by knowing that your partner or friend is not trying to hurt you. He or she cares about you. Sure, you know just where the vulnerable places are in each other. But, what point is there in using that weapon? Instead, see your relationship as a safe place to make changes that allow you to be a better partner, a better friend and a better person.
Happy Valentine’s Day and Happy Relationships!